As I watched my fascination grew, and grew, then it shrank, and then (dun dun duuuunnn!) grew back ten fold. Just as the screwy insurance man was plucked off the outhouse toilet, my life was forever changed. If dinosaurs can really get you when you’re in the most private place known to man, what is to stop them from getting you anywhere? Nothing, that’s what. Do you think you’re safe sitting in your bed reading a book? ABSOLUTELY NOT! They’re coming for you, that’s for sure. You better keep your eyes open.
I became so paranoid that I couldn’t even open the refrigerator without expecting to see Samuel L. Jackson’s arm partially bitten off hanging on to the jar of pickles. I’d sit in my closet, listening for the sounds of raptor claws hitting the wood floors. What if they figured out how to climb the stairs? DEAR GOD! I wouldn’t sleep for days. I couldn’t cross the backyard to get into the garage, for fear of repeating the same mistake Laura Dern made. Dinosaurs could definitely outrun me in no time flat. And by no time flat, I mean in 2.3 seconds because I timed it.
Not only was I afraid of dinosaurs, but of Jeff Goldblum and Richard Attenborough. What were those two up to? A weird guy with wacky hair and a terrible stutters? Why on earth didn’t he die when the T.Rex ate his leg? And the old man with the precarious laugh and bottomless pocket. ‘Hi I’m ninety years old and decided to create dinosaurs because my life has no meaning, now I’m going to unleash them on some nice scientists.’ Every time I fell asleep I saw their faces on the heads of dinosaurs attacking me. Every time I woke up, I checked to see if my face was still attached. Those two little kids definitely should’ve been the first to go. It boggles my mind, and even now, I zone out and can’t stop thinking about it. This movie changed my life so profoundly, and only now have I been able to venture into the backyard without a baseball bat. Jurassic Park is a movie no impressionable person should ever watch.